It feels like you were my first bully It became me Empty Like my chest is a cavity Numbness unthawing I was never cold Ice felt less imposing The pass ag itches my insides and the shaming Were you my first bully Or, was that me? I wait for your closing.. It felt like my fault The dismissing still cuts in a way I wish it didn’t Do you make your life so busy That you don’t have to BE? Why do I turn it around to seeing you and feeling softness Away from me I am absorbed by sadness I see the trees I take a line from an advert Do the trees get bored? They are too busy being Inhaling the universe They feel their trunks and hearts go through all the stages Shedding Gently dapping their own pores My chest feels less like a cavity I don’t know why there’s surprise You can’t change people I allow you, to drop my jaw I can talk myself out of this Ignore this You, that uses criticism of me for your own peace The sapling that knows what she wants You don’t see the storm Is it amusing, what I feel? Why does your harshness become relief for you And, the reason I can’t sleep I don’t want someone who says We are ‘end game’ All the words, and the torture, before we reach an, idealised, bliss I want consistency But, I wish to end my reactions What my body does My stomach hanging.. suspended, off a rollercoaster The people pleaser that feels peace might be restored, in coldness I see stability in friends Yet, there’s still a terror That they’d see the shame in your eyes I shrugged What is, is simply, what is I think I can’t up my tolerance Yet, I can - I‘ve had years of this They don’t live in your shaming Can’t trust myself, even, to see (not their hand shooing away) but, the manipulation In your gaslit destruction of moments of bliss You’ve, forever, shamed me My body, my life I do it first Who cares, if you don’t see what is? Or see it and try to absorb it into the pool that’s mocked- and dismissed Wrapped up in false promises and the meagre hope of possibility There is a now I belong in it The rock pools and willow branches that, both, treasure moments Dropping down and don’t know, how to live
All the thoughts
I need to move my body more and show off my extroverted (extroverted - introvert, side) dramatic, music - loving side Slide into the roots, watering My kinda-vibe Not shut down - Words, I find easy to be open with Showing myself, my face, my body I over-analyse Need to think less
Were you?
Sometimes it takes a minute.. Carrying heavy
Walking in Dragging my bag behind me and, hands all over me A ball on a chain Straddling the lines of reality and imagination The metal feels cold and heavy It grips my neck I drop it down, in relief and take Aim
Gross
Cavernous Body holding anguish Wanting, is Greed There is only a slope Down Rocky gravel pointing in heart shapes The ground I stand on needs to appease
Hi, I'm Tara..
Hi, I'm Tara, I live in England and write about ADHD and trauma. My brain waffles (thinks, emotes, reflects.. forgets!) in run on sentences, with five million tangents. Prone to exaggeration - oh, the drama! In fact, the first time my mind ever went quiet was on taking ADHD medication. Diagnosed at the age of 40, it's brought about a profound shift…