New Year ❤️💜
There are times when..
Hi! I’m Tara
I don’t have small feelings about anything
I don’t have small feelings about anything. I feel things, and reflect on everything, deeply. Over-consider. My brain often needs to slow down. Sometimes I want heat-retaining hands to warm my freezing cold ones. I long for support, yet it terrifies me. I’m not the only one feeling that way..
Something that I’ve thought about a lot lately is..
that I hate the pressure society can wrap around the necks of gentle, soft humans - and those with big feelings. Tricking us all into desire for the tender, warm and approving scarf that we’re ordered to want. I’m thinking about this in particular when it comes to young people.. We, naturally, search for love, care, ‘belonging’ and seeing aspects of oneself in another. It’s also great to hear, and feel, someone’s praise and encouragement. I want children in my life to know how incredible, powerful and how loved, they are. The sense that You are wonderful, exactly as you are. That your worthiness doesn’t have conditions attached.
Society’s entrapment scarves could stifle and overheat nervous systems in pressurised environments, especially for someone deeply feeling that pressure. I realise that exams and assessments have importance placed on them within the education system and I worry about anxiety (and pressure) being put on young people. Not only from the system and those around them, but internally. The focus on the accolades and assumptions surrounding how you will ‘perform’ doesn’t feel all that human to me. But, what do I know?!
It’s such a difficult topic, with all the voices and noises surrounding a child. At school, at home, around their peers. I wish that the overall person, always felt like the focus. Their mental health and wellbeing the most important. Society's misogyny, and so much surrounding our interactions, could encourage good girl - itus, in particular. Something that no one directly asked for, but universes sent messages requesting. (It stated it’s love and invited more achievement). Having boundaries and being able to say ‘That isn’t what I want’ or ‘That isn’t going to work for me’ (without the spider creeping around in your soul, egging you on, to over-explain), means so much and could be life changing. No is a full sentence and all that.
We adore the validation of ‘You did such a fantastic job’. Why wouldn’t we? The well done’s from teachers and those surrounding us, creating some semblance of a sense of self and of our importance. We can work towards what we desire and can feel excited and proud of ourselves. I worry about all the messages we could be, accidentally, sending, though. That we are less worthy without that grade. Or without that praise. Life isn’t always about an end goal. Whatever that may be. There is peace and contentment. Exploring our lives and dreams in ways that deeply connect with our insides, if that is what we want to do. Learning. Changing. Growing.
We learn when we are very young how much significance we have. When we touch the world, move the blocks, stand up, interact with others, do we have meaning? Are we celebrated? - and valued. When it comes from deep within. Knowing that being, and expressing ourselves authentically and honestly feels like calm safety (or, for myself much of the time, like self-doubt to push through). There’s a sense of home. The outside and what we present, being closer to the inside. I think so many adults, in their forties (as I am), wonder why we didn’t engage with parts of ourselves, earlier. Why we were so tied up in what others thought! I’ve followed my own path (in some ways) but there are, at the core of me, still so many layers for unshedding. We were told to opt for a life of obedience. Perhaps, a path laid out for us. Without living around what we actually wanted!
I’ve tried to become a million different things over the years (I’ve also changed and developed), but nothing has felt as true as honestly connecting. Sharing with friends who ‘get it’, or people who want to know and understand me. Knowing others in the same way. I definitely tried to convince myself that I might achieve the (inauthentic, for me) temporary equilibrium, of adults around me looking at me ‘approvingly’, for a split second, if I did .. A.. B.. C I knew it wasn’t true and wasn’t going to satisfy the ache. When I tried to ‘fake it’ subconsciously, my guts felt restrained. My body and whole self, not worthy.
In education, I wish that those with passions and creativity got to focus on those loves a little more. The things that they can’t, not do. Some might feel that way about one thing, others may not, but why not adopt more of an openness to exploring what makes someone tick. (Even that phrase reminds me of a corporate clock). What excites a person. That which feels inbuilt and undefinable. They could express ideas brought up in other, classes, in some way, using their art. Why can’t we adapt if a student (more importantly, a human) doesn’t feel connected to their current education system. If they are unhappy and they could find developing and growing another way, more rewarding and meaningful.
For me, autonomy mattered so much.
That I could be me and that I was always enough.
I wish I’d had the confidence and internal safety to, truly, fly and go after what I wanted from a young age. Whenever I tried, I placed too much emphasis on the external (approval) and it choked me from the inside. I thought I knew what I wanted, but living everyday life, along with my overall happiness, didn’t get a look in. I didn’t deal with my trauma. Not managing money or life, in my eyes, very well (undiagnosed ADHD), there were times when it would hit me: ‘I’m unhappy. I can’t go on feeling like this. I want more for myself. I need some help’. Then, I ignored and stuffed all that down. Don’t do this!
Self-abandonment isn’t cool, I just kept delaying it and the pain built
I felt stuck in the world I’d created, where I must ‘achieve’ to ‘matter’ (that’s what I told myself). Not achieving in the way I wanted (and how could I when I was so low) I remained full of self-loathing. Nothing positive ever really touched the sides and felt I was being buried in self-hatred. I was in survival and not safe - internally to fully be myself, live and achieve. Serenity and calmness would have filtered into work.
I am so incredibly proud of every child and young person in my life, for all that they are. I worry about pressure when it comes to exams, for example, even though I realise that some thrive in those environments. It’s difficult because many of us look for approval outside of ourselves (we are, almost, told to). My experiences colour what I don’t want for others. Not feeling a sense of safety and security, around self and who I was, I longed for it. Both fearful of receiving what I needed emotionally, even for a second, and trying on different hats (when they felt uneasy) in the hope of being ‘liked’.. well, it hurts. There was a craving (but also a fear) and not much balance. No secure attachment style and no, deeply-held, sense of belonging. I still go there mentally, often, and have a word with myself. It helps that I admit it to myself more now, but can still wallow and sink into shame. Searching other’s eyes and seeking my enough(ness) through what I do (or don’t) see, never ends well. Sensitive to anyone’s unhappiness or anger, my gut also tells me to ‘fix’ other’s internal stuff (which I certainly have no power to do and it’s not my stuff). This people pleasing, to reach some sort of perceived equilibrium, hurts - and ends painfully.
The phrase ‘I bet you were such an old soul, weren’t you?’ is one I think about. When someone has said this to me, my internal response hits and reverberates against the inner layers of my skin.
I was an old soul..
‘Yes, but I’m not sure it’s always a good thing’. ‘It may be beautiful how I feel and connect, but it’s also exhausting and I have to have boundaries. I have to work hard to build a relationship with myself, learning to truly love her. This hasn’t come naturally, yet at times, I do realise that it’s where I want (and am going to be), next’.
‘You were so independent’
Yes, maybe in some ways I was, but I struggle with the everyday (trauma, ADHD) and find relying on and trusting others hard. Saying ‘I need..’ and asking for emotional support now, is difficult. I expect others to ‘leave’ me, or let me down and it takes such a long time to accept that anyone cares.
You care?
My gut says
‘I don’t believe you.. ‘
(But I don’t want to make a fuss and say that. So, I pretend, but doubt)
Part of me is so frightened of love.
I don’t want to be possessed, taken over (which is not how I think it’s supposed to feel) and struggle with the vulnerability of emotional closeness.
I am the common denominator
There are times when I can feel low, hopeless and numb and when, on coming out of that, I have to tell myself to keep going and putting myself out there.
Christmas can feel like a difficult time, as I know it can for so many.
I know what will make me feel a little better. Not being alone, having time to breathe and decompress.
Doing what excites me. (Even when it doesn’t excite me at the start, but might when I get going! Being outside, for example).
The feeling of flatness wears me out and exhausts me. I think there have been a few factors playing into that. Some more practical and there are little steps I can take.
Moving further towards the life that I want.
And, knowing that I’ll experience moments of being there - in it.
I’ve been thinking recently, that people that know me, vaguely, in real life could read some of what I’m writing and feel alarmed.. concerned. Incorrectly, they could judge me.
Getting closer to saying what I truly feel, and have felt, is actually very positive. I would have downplayed previously.
Slowly cutting all the cr p is a good thing!
Wishing you a peaceful and content New Year, of possibility and hope.
