Trauma, dissociation and triggers:

Things I notice

Trauma:

Things I notice

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Hiya, I’m Tara and I write about trauma (and, also, about my ADHD).

When it feels dissociation adjacent 


I feel discombobulated when illness or circumstance ever feels similar to dissociation. 


Dissociation is a coping mechanism that the body uses to allow a person to escape mentally (and disconnect from what is happening) when experiencing trauma.
Sometimes you might hear people say that it was as if they were watching it happen to someone else. Or that they checked out completely. 

Everybody will experience this in different ways and there are different types of dissociation that someone can, also, later experience. 
When you are taken back by a trigger - sound, smell, a similar feeling. 



It can feel as though an event was viewed in a computer game graphic style. Or, as if you numbed and blocked something out. Maybe sound or sight felt surreal or choppy. Foggy or heavy. The world can move slowly and you can feel very separate. 

Dissociation can be a protective mechanism that the body or brain uses when you don’t feel safe. 

Not remembering huge chunks of my life, also, I think it may be due to me not feeling present - or in my body. 

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Dissociation is a productive mechanism for the body at the time of trauma, but can lead to confusion later. Or self-blame. Shame. 
A feeling of isolation and Am I the only one?


Being on a plane and my ears needing to pop can feel familiar. Distant, somehow, with an echo or a ringing. 
Anything that involves being light headed or spacey, too. 
Many of these reminders can put me into a space. Or a variation of it. 



As a separate issue, I’m currently trying to deal with blurred vision and difficulties in seeing screens (or anything) close to me. This has happened since I had a procedure and is an ongoing issue. 
Not only has this been hard, due to my love for writing and my need to connect with that part of myself. When some of the symptoms feel reminiscent of dissociation there’s the additional element.
A pattern. 


I’ve felt this way before. Why was that?


There’s a space between me and something. 
Like swimming underwater. 
Disorientating, emptying (of thought) and, at times, frustrating.

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Photo by Keisuke Higashio on Unsplash

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Booming loud


One thing that I struggle with, as a result of my ADHD, is loud sounds.
Voices that cut through.

I’ve definitely been accused of being one of those voices myself and have felt such shame.

The voice on the train where you hear about every personal detail of a person’s life. You almost feel you are intruding, but the sound projects and everyone in the carriage is hearing it!

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There are times when I repeat myself.

This can be annoying for people. 

I think it stems from trauma.
Not feeling seen and not ‘expecting’ people to listen. 

I can move towards nervous and repetitive chat when feeling vulnerable. And when I feel that no one is seeing me.

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Words or phrases can trigger me

..as can feeling ignored, minimised or disliked.


Often people say that, when they visit family, they revert back to old patterns and ways of interacting with each other. 
When I’m around those that remind me of the past and I sense that they view me in that same way, it can really stay with me.
Stick with me, like a sense of dread and see me looking at the world through little Tara’s eyes. 
It can take a while to recover.


Wishing that I could manage this more effectively, I question (and shame) myself, which makes it worse.
The sense of being back there builds and that’s when I will have nightmares, daydreams or start thinking about other elements of my life that were painful.

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I doubt myself and my ability to write, when all I would tell anyone else is to Follow their dreams.

To keep doing anything that you love.

Representing.

Strangely, I’m afraid to post on MY own website, more than I am of writing anywhere else. There are elements to the layout that I’m unsure of and I demand supreme excellence (or nothing) of myself, which I’ve never met. And could never meet, reach or offer.


Feeling incapable, I exist on a diet of self-loathing and fear (which I pretend isn’t fear).

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Posting online

Stating who I am and what matters to me feels like a huge leap.
Maybe one day, I’ll be ‘better’, somehow.
I’m not ready for the NOW.


Expressing myself in what feels like a definitive way, I elevate what that means and surround it all with anxiety and rumination.
I’m constantly assuming that anything I say won’t be ‘Good enough’.

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What’s the point?

There is an inbuilt sense of unworthiness.
That I have to fight to get people to love or like me and that it will always be conditional.


I find it hard to rely on others when I’m upset. I might tell them afterwards that I had a rough day, but accepting love and care in the moment feels excruciating.
I’d feel like a burden.


If somebody hugs me in a caring way, I pull away before they do as I don’t want to bug them. Having this sense that I’m an irritant.

Even when I could do with the care, I’m not allowed it. I push myself into not permitting myself to ‘take’ and it’s a constant state of testing and not having. 



I’m strict! 

Pulling away stops me. I have to resist and can’t enjoy or feel soothed. I feel selfish even desiring this. 
I’m afraid of the feelings that might come up and of being in the middle of them.

No one gets to be there with me on any of that. 

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I can move into a hopeless mindset more easily

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Everything is not hopeless, but on tough days my mind habitually can go to those phrases..

I need to fight that.

There is negative self-talk.

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What’s the point of doing such and such 
as the world’s a difficult place at the moment 

Or

I will do an awful job 

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Everything in my life feels like it has to be a Nearly.

I nearly got what I wanted for a second there.
A temptation.

I cherish the moments of Almost, but won’t let anything become real or meaningful.




Caring deeply about other people, I don’t show the same care to myself. 

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I feel like the one that ‘doesn’t fit’

I’ve always felt, deep down, that my body and who I am is different to others.

That I am ‘odd’ or unusual.

When it comes to relationships..

other people might want to enjoy relationships and sex, have desire and enjoy emotional intimacy.

Whereas, for me it’s a no-go area.

I know that I’m not broken logically, but there is a wounded part of me that feels I’m too damaged.

When child parts of me feel hurt or have needs, I feel afraid of this. I can’t show vulnerability.

When I was younger, I definitely felt worried at my core (but not in a more logical part of my brain, necessarily) that people would use my vulnerability to attack me, or to take advantage.

My desire for safety made me want to preempt that. Stop it before it started.

I suppose, I can now see that all of this is ‘logical’, in one way.

Assumptions were made based on comments or the way I was viewed in the past. These things hurt me.

It’s natural to want to build walls and to create false narratives for ‘safety’ - no one can hurt me if I don’t let anybody get close.

Also, I am not living life and experiencing everything it has to offer.

Being closed off might have had purpose, at one time, but I want and adore human connection. Relationships that are healthy and build over time.

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Photo by Anastasia Vityukova on Unsplash

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I have a strong aversion to eye tests and to being physically close to somebody. Particularly a person who is making demands on me.

When I made an attempt at using contact lenses, I had to put them in and take them out in front of the eye specialist, or optician. 
That felt like a lot.

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I humiliate myself 

I want to criticise myself and make jokes before others have the opportunity. 

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Are relationships really true?

Part of me has wondered, over the years, if mutual care and understanding are real. 
Maybe they are just things you see in films. 
Maybe they are what people simply ‘say’ they’ve experienced.

I’ve questioned it all.

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Leaving. 


I can feel abandoned quite easily.
Even from people who haven’t abandoned me..
but I’d wish they’d paid more attention, or that I was able to share parts of myself.

I can separate facts from feelings, often, but my inner child has felt lonely and isolated.



People who show me consistency and care, I appreciate.
I feel I must reflect how grateful I am for small kindnesses.

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I’ve not felt autonomy over myself and my body, in a way I wish I had. 

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One day, you’ll see me?

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The ones that withheld 
were the ones I wanted
(There was a lot of withholding!!)

I wanted to try and ‘convince’ others that I was worthy, a good person or that I mattered. 

I sometimes think everything I do is a bit cringe and weird.

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Poetry 

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