Shame
So much shame. Also, a real mix of poetry
Have been thinking about shame. If anybody else blamed themselves or felt that they were faulty, somehow, I would say ‘of course not’.
Me, I’m the exception!
A long - learnt idea I am trying to get rid of.
What is shame?
Feeling as though there is something wrong with you. Blaming yourself for who you are.
Or telling yourself you are something you are not - gross, repulsive, a ‘bad’ person.
I have felt inexplicably ‘wrong’, probably due to trauma. I also doubt my own experiences which doesn’t help.
ADHD and hearing about other’s experiences online
Society has shamed many neurodivergent people. I am always hearing negative school experiences from people who were diagnosed as adults. Being undiagnosed, I felt misunderstood and alone. But, of course, we mask. Without knowing what that is.
Our brains working differently was clearly very inconvenient* for many, especially at a time where there was even less knowledge about ADHD, for example. I’m sure I was labelled as ‘difficult’ or ‘annoying’.
*sarcasm
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Deeper than guilt - shame / trauma
Shame is a killer and it’s not guilt, it’s deeper. It’s not that you have done something that hurt someone’s feelings and you apologise. You might feel guilt in that situation.
Shame is inside you. It’s more pervasive. Crawling out your skin or in through your pores. And never disappearing, it feels like.
Living in you, like a vile predator.
The best thing you can do is try and open up about it. It has less power.
Shake it off, as it were
(I wrote about why I am excited about The Tortured Poets Department on Medium
tarastarpoetry.medium.com )
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Brené Brown spoke so beautifully about this .
Shame - You take the language of those that shamed you, or victim blamed you. Those that didn’t see you.
Everyone was right and you, me, very wrong.
It’s feeling like there’s something inherently awful about you, undefinably and profoundly.
Not human. Worthless.
You send yourself these messages, but you got them from somewhere.
I definitely over-think and get myself caught up in shame spirals.
My brain likes to play on loop every ‘silly’ or ‘wrong’ thing I’ve ever said. Times people laughed at me 20 years ago. Or something awkward I said or did.
Ways I acted as I was in pain etc. etc.
#itsgoodtotalk #therapy
and then..
When something goes ‘wrong’ I just assume it’s my fault.
Talking about the feelings helps.
My brain can tell me untruths.
#letstalkmentalhealth
#mentalhealthmatters
…..
Poetry and thoughts
(poetry image credits: Canva) #tarastarpoetry
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Waves of unfeeling
Confused, uncertain
Body cold without my heart
Knowing dims, numbness settles in
Who would listen for a start?
Image credits: Canva
Thank you to all the poets who inspired me with wonderful prompts on Instagram
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ADHD, misogyny, trust
..
Making the day ‘bigger’
Giving the moment shades
and a raise
Why is that shrub falling on the ground
and creating a triangle?
Why do I kick and ick
over allowing you to undervalue -
me
Why do I long for calm soothing
Such quiet peace?
A treasured split-second?
but cringe at all, and any, praise?
Why do I doubt the genuine?
And, my ears alert to criticism four
spaces back
I engage
Why do I drag myself, through my
back catalogue, to the ends of the earth?
As if attacking my history
Leads to anything good
Dragged across the floor
Ashamed of my messy bag
Why do I taste the poison?
and only search for my sugar to make
it sweet?
Why do I insist on thrice offering it?
And, cry when it rots their teeth?
As it was, supposed, to be my release
What’s big to me
is small to them
That makes me feel such shame
Heart-choking devices from a plastic bag
and a jigsaw that entangled
when they ‘suggested’ I re-arrange
How does beauty to me
Become ‘ugly’ to you?
and why’s it your space to define?
A patriarchy that comments on women
twenties and under
Before you lose that ‘luxurious’ option
of judgement
and to revel in their shine
They gloss you up and they spit you out
As if that’s all you were there for
You define beautiful by a depth that
could never been seen
Outspoken fire and a heart learning
not to be trampled
but cared for
An aged library ticket, now,
The dust of wisdom and experience
You, the demon, that’s uncalled for
I mention the voiceless
and you slaughter the whole library now
Bonfire sites
Because wrapping up money
Bandaging wealth
Hiding ‘grievances’
Assumption is enough
No passion
Nothing to weep
No resolute feelings
that the ‘good’ system
Need never care enough
They don’t even think about us
It isn’t that deep
Practicalities never worth crying for
Topiary cut like daggers all the way
up to their front door
We need never speak
We need more
You are resolute
Our curves still your ‘flaw’
…
(spoken word style)
poetry and writing tarastarpoetry.medium.com
Covers my ADHD diagnosis at the age of 40
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Always, darling
Always be free
Dance like no one is watching
Grow but with that childlike energy inside
The freedom to dance like no one’s watching
Expressing your soul’s joy,
and sorrow, outside
Dance with your feelings
Don’t keep it in
Your feelings clasp tightly, my darling
When they are held, alone, within
…
don’t lose it, child like spirit, energy, feeling, truth, talk when you can, you are worthy, you are enough, be kind to yourself
..
medical tests, examinations
I belong
Dopamine receiving
In my element
Feeling vibes
Too much of that
Brain short circuits and
sparks no longer fry
It can be instantaneous
A ridge precarious and easily - climbed
Ideas flowing
becomes, too many
Exhausted
and undefined
..
tarastarpoetry.redbubble.com
taratalks.net
writing under the name Tara Star
It doesn’t touch it
Or reach it
Nothing touches it
I leave feeling empty
Let’s start a-something
Even if it’s pretending
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Coin in the lining of the awesome leopard print jacket
Champagne flute / paintbrush water
Pecking at your fountain
As if it could ever contain nourishment
I splatter pink dye all
over the alley
Touch it up with orange
You look at me, embellished with redundant
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More at tarastarpoetry.medium.com