My shame over loving Tigger from Winnie the Pooh

Tara writing, I’m more of an Eeyore really, a mix of the two, ADHD poet,

Feb 24, 2024

When I was a teenager I loved Tigger from Winnie the Pooh and I went on to feel such deep shame about this. Shame over who I am and was. This shame is not mine.

It felt as though I was always talkative, but was more of an introverted extrovert. I liked my space. Time to think - and reflect.

I have felt for a long time, that the Winnie the Pooh stories and characters, are deeper than they could first appear. As many, and most things, are. Winnie the Pooh (in my limited knowledge) beautifully illustrates friendship, hope, joy, sadness, compassion and love. Connection and community.

Tigger longs for connection, infused with bouncy, bubbly, vibrant passion. An ADHDer, perhaps, or a people pleaser who has experienced trauma, often not engaging with his feelings and living in denial. A part - dissociative, ‘hyperactive’, it-will-all-be-alright, state of existence.

Tigger leans in to the joy and his mode of moving his body from one part of the forest to the next (the bounce) is exciting and energetic.

Then, there’s Eeyore.

Absolutely adorable. A little grumpier and more cynical, on the surface, but wonderful.

I have always had a soft spot for him.

Eeyore was depressed but his friends include him and love him. A beautiful character that is seen and valued.

For years, I denied my inner Eeyore.

…

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As a teenager, and as an adult, I have had a playful and pure side. A naivety.

I had a cuddly Tigger in my late teens (think I loved the bright colours as well as the character) and, at a time when things were becoming more serious and grown up, soft and gentle was great. Many had childhood cuddly toys on their beds or in their rooms at uni, so this wasn’t at all unusual.

I knew a Tigger song and after singing it someone commented on my immaturity.

Shame. Shut down. Feeling sick.

I am not enough.

A few years on, I remember being in a work environment, I think during an evening or weekend (but visiting and chatting to someone) and sketching rabbits faces on a white board. Doodling, stimming. Keeping my hands busy. I later heard that an adult (I was too) in this environment was stunned by my behaviour and ‘couldn’t believe it’. I thought I was expressing who I was. ‘Cute’ and playful, I guess.

Doodling, rubbing it off and then repeating, maybe I took comfort too far. Maybe I was soothing or feeling expressive and creative.

It wasn’t a beautiful doodle. It was like drawing circles or triangles.

*I remember at school the word was that if you doodled triangles (I think it was), in class, you wanted sex. Not sure if that was a local, or larger, rumour!

There was an evening event at a place I worked and I was meeting people I’d spoken to, but hadn’t met physically, in person. Clearly, I must have been ‘exciteable’. Or, just positive, friendly and energetic, I thought.

Remembering the voice telling me to ‘Calm down Tara’, I can still feel the shame. It was deep routed, internalised and infested my whole soul. I was weird, different and there was something at my core that was deeply wrong with me.

Those messages came from childhood and the comments, which at the time were said innocently, hurt and embarrassed me. I didn’t fit in.

Excited to connect, I never had lots of friends and always felt happy to see those I liked. I remember overhearing a conversation in a bar, as I smiled when a group walked in.

‘Tara always seems so happy to see us.

Maybe she doesn’t have any other friends’.

My reactions were always dialled up a notch. Or five, and my face could not hide how I was feeling.

I now appreciate and love Eeyore.

I’ve abandoned Tigger, I suppose.

My personality is still the same. ‘Exciteable’, but I’m less afraid to embrace my inner-Eeyore and feel down, reflective, or, just more in tune with what’s going on in the world often! Eeyore reminds me that it’s OK to say ‘I am feeling… ‘

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The hearts in my eyes when I see or feel the energy of any animal. A dog passes me in the street and I, desperately, long for a cuddle.

Reading a quote recently where someone repeated what their therapist had said

(paraphrasing) ‘How people treat animals is how they wish they had been treated’.

This was impactful.

My instinct is to feel I am ‘too needy’ and my negative self-talk, immediately, does a ghastly switcheroo. Ultimately, it makes me smile, as I do when I think of all the cuddly (other people’s) pets (beautiful animals) I relish seeing. There is a child part of me that always wants to stroke the cat, but I also feel that is a very valid and understandable feeling! Why not? They’re adorable.

They connect from the heart and there is a genuine innocence and massively fun side to them.

I relate so strongly to a golden retriever. When the dog sees the ball, or its favourite human, there’s no containing that. It’s beautiful. Why should people hide who they are or what they feel.

You know where you are with a dog. It’s all out there. Incredible, intuitive and intelligent animals.

When I feel that soul connection it’s ❤️

I’m ADHD and feeling you have to hide huge parts of yourself, before you even define what that’s about, hurts. I was diagnosed at 40. Fairly close to my 41st birthday.

It was a, much-needed, diagnosis (self-diagnosis is valid) and that validation comes in waves. Re-playing my past, there are so many ah - ha moments.

That makes sense.

I see what was happening there.

I use my ADHD, not as an excuse, but as an explanation.

To understand.

It’s part of me.

Forgiving myself for the self-loathing, shedding newer self-hatred, fighting back against the inner dialogue. That’s all part of my life.

After years of feeling that everything is / was my fault, I’m getting there. I will continue to peel layers and re-build.

Unmasking is humongous. What is actually you?

What is what you think others want?

It’s all very intermingled and I think there will be years of separating and analysing, no doubt, to come.

I would say I am a child in an adult body, in that, I love play, silly songs or stories. In one way I was given an impression on how I should act with men - all ‘cutesy’.

And then, that cute side was viewed as immature.

Who am I supposed to be? No idea!

ADHD and trauma has had such a huge impact on my life.

I am trying to be gentler and kinder to myself.

And ‘grouchy’ Eeyore loves cuddling up on the sofa with a blanket.

Tara Poetry