Mischa Barton had a relationship with a co-star when she was 17 and he was in his twenties.

Leonardo Di Caprio, for years, was celebrated in the tabloids for having relationships with much younger women. There appears to be a pattern. Age gap relationships are something that need to be discu

And so does the fact that Mischa Barton* was a child - under 18.

*She is, obviously, in no way at fault here.

There is also the concept of ‘relationships’ with uneven power dynamics within that. All of this in a landscape of a misogynistic society and there is a world of media and entertainment, and I’m sure many other worlds and experiences too, where children are around adults. Even simulating sex scenes with adults in ways that those in their twenties or thirties would. In fact, the industry, over the years, appears to want to celebrate teenage nudity in a way they don’t when someone is in their forties. I do not want to see this.

We need to unwrap why filmmakers have believed this ‘sells’ (or why it does) and why they want to create this type of content *

(*I feel uncomfortable seeing clips of teenagers on the TV show First Dates, even. They may be lovely people, children, engaging in sweet moments, but I feel I am watching something private and vulnerable. When they might be starting to explore relationships. I have not watched the show and I am sure there are moments when they are celebrated for who they are - that is great. I just feel uncomfortable watching children date. I feel I want them to be protected and not seen in private moments.

Relationship education on boundaries and consent I do consider very important).

When someone is experiencing relationships for the first time, being with someone older than you means that they are ‘showing you’ how these ‘should’ be or ‘are’. In a way that benefits them. There is more than one person in the ‘relationship’, but they are showing you life through their lens.

When you feel uncomfortable about something you can be told ‘this is what happens’. There are undertones lurking and coercion can happen within relationships with people of the same age, but, in these instances, someone can use their age, perceived ‘wisdom’ or experience against you.

The age of consent should never, never be lowered.

I feel that there should be an important addition regarding relationships between 17, 18 and 19 year olds and people that are in their twenties or thirties or forties, say. Exact parameters would need to be decided upon but this, unfortunately, might help with rape prosecution rates. The 2 percent often heard about is heartbreaking and soul destroying. There are so many rapes that go unreported and a mistrust in the police (the system, the CPS) to follow cases through and achieve a conviction. Victim or survivors’s phones being taken and their therapy notes also being able to be used in court are two other points for discussion. This means that those needing help and support have additional barriers to being able to receive that, during a potentially long wait for a case, that could also be dropped. In therapy you need to be able to cry, scream, say that you blame yourself (many feel this and the perpetrator is to blame - it is not your fault) without feeling that your words are going to be taken from your mouth and spat out in violating and shaming questioning.

If your house is burgled no one says ‘it’s your fault for having a house. Maybe a TV.

Rape is an abhorrent crime against the body and soul, against someone’s feeling of worth and value, where grooming, manipulation and control are often used AND where victims are questioned on why they didn’t they say no?

How much did you have to drink?

The perpetrator is often someone that you know and the court system seems to find prosecuting rapists difficult, not fully understanding and contextualising police responses and how cases are managed within abusive, grooming, trafficking and domestic violence situations. It is not a victim’s fault. Nobody is or was ‘asking for it’ and this language is vile, when inferred online, in the media and in society.

Victim blaming and shaming in all cases, the  ‘what were you wearing?’ questions, need to STOP.

If the age of consent made it illegal for a 17 year old girl say, to have sex with a 28 year old man. It, legally, would not be sex. It would be rape.

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*Calling something what it is is important now. A child does not have a ‘relationship’ with a teacher, newspapers using language to imply that this is sex or using details in a disgusting and ‘salacious’ way, giving the impression that this could be a consensual relationship. And does not focus on what the issue is. Rape. A crime.

It is not ‘sex’. It is in no way the child’s fault. In any way, ever.

It is in no way the victim and / or survivor’s fault in any way, ever.

The victim and survivor’s story matters. The perpetrator’s is not relevant here.

There is one headline. It doesn’t matter if someone claims the perpetrator is an ‘upstanding member of society’ that they enjoy various hobbies etc. Aside from an image being presented as part of the grooming process.

The victim’s clothing shouldn’t be described. Neither should how many partners they have had be talked about. It is not even slightly relevant.

When you are not looking at the victim or survivor’s story and choose to make it about ‘sex’ in a ‘gossipy’ way (I feel gross even writing that) and not about control and rape, you are playing into a narrative, filtering through into the, already - very - low, prosecution rates.

The way that victims are seen.

Or not seen.

Within the legal system, there are people much smarter than me who can figure out how to go about getting successful prosecutions. Those who know much more about it. Looking, in society, at how the police handle cases, with societal judgements, internalised misogyny and sexism, as background noise. How victims can be treated and not believed.

Words that are printed and spoken.

The feeling, sometimes, that society closes its ears, not understanding grooming and the pervasiveness of abuse and its impact. They deny it because it is painful. It happens ‘over there’ and not here. It can happen everywhere.

Victims are blamed by the perpetrators - and then by society.

A greater understanding of trauma, complex PTSD, dissociation and fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses would be incredible.Everyone having an awareness of ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) would be fantastic*. (*Nobody ever needing to even better but, unfortunately, this is not the society that we live in).

As taking cases to court appears to come up against huge bricks walls, if you have a man in his thirties grooming, trafficking and abusing a child or children, you could prosecute for rape due to age, to get the case seen. A 17 year old and a 36 year old, say. There are thousands of reasons why it is rape, aside from age (and adults are also raped by adults everyday sadly) but, perhaps, this would help get some cases tried.

There are abusers in positions of power who could make life unpleasant and torturous for someone ending things or saying no. This could affect their job.

Also, the knowledge that someone of 30 has, versus someone of 17, who is experiencing these feelings for the first time (or one of their first times) can give the older person an enormous amount of power and control.

Consent is a topic that needs more education in schools and in every aspect of life. Someone ‘persuading’ a person to do something by using the idea that ‘everyone’ does it. Coercion is not consent and neither is ‘maybe.’

‘Encouraged’ ‘consent’ is not consent.

Begging for consent does not give consent.

Threatening to be with someone else otherwise, or any sorts of more overt, or covert, threats does not give consent.

Humiliating language or bullying behaviour does not equal consent.

A different type of sex or act to what was discussed is not consent.

A change of mind, throughout, not being immediately respected, is not consent.

Removing a condom is not consent.

And feeling you cannot say no does not equal consent.

A man saying ‘oh, please, go on’, someone not respecting your boundaries and people making all sorts of ridiculous ‘excuses’, as if they didn’t mean for something that wasn’t consensual to happen (any non - consensual activity or non - consensual sex, so rape, to happen.) So many have had these experiences.

Rape Crisis give legal definitions of rape on their website.

According to Rape Crisis England and Wales:

Just 2% of the rapes recorded by police in the year ending March 2023 resulted in a charge by the end of the year

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*Naming Mischa Barton at the top of the article.

I hate writing about people who are well known, when they, perhaps, have not spoken directly in this context. I cannot speak for them and, only they, know how they feel about certain situations, relationships, the immense harassment and overall trauma (I imagine) of life in the public eye and everything they have experienced.