Years.
(Pulling Ranks)
Close my eyes and pretend it’s not happening I’m good at that Proud of a dissociative, meditative state A state that leaves me calm, chaotic and flat I’m proud I can do that The people who’ve been traumatised close their eyes at the back of the boat Feet down Surfaces around Calm thoughts As intense waves slam down The women who’ve been traumatised sit on the back row, indoors Head against a wall surface Wanting to be ignored Don’t say anything Don’t make a fuss Deal with it internally It’s not us Going into nothing Going into my head The moments that remind me Like, birthdays and old fashioned toilet chains Books I can’t remember, but once read The trauma survivor sits in the cabin Feeling very zen See, they’ve been through this before We know that this nothingness raised you They know there are moments expanding and there are moments that end The men with sick bags and smiles The men who created the narrative and threw childhoods, casually, into life buoy stores And while this story was going on A message settled into us We have survived and have to, survive this We can pass over pain We aren’t collapsed, here Caving into the floor All at once Empty offerings of No Choice weep into Vacant Space It’s Zero gravity, quiet air The quiet waft of confidence is interesting For such strength and self-shamed bodies For bodies of ages touched by Never There We have survived this Can cartwheel, skimming and Howling In proximity, to pain Tears flooding in lonely darkness as they dry Repugnant, as I dry my soul out Damp stench Sticking to the insides But, we can beat the storms on the boat Peel back tentacled monsters of groomers denying every stage Trying to make me the sickness Monstrosities lurching inside Tornado energy adding callousness Then naming hurt and shame The Sea urchin fires up A phrase, a walk, a smell Feels like you are back in the mist because nothingness raised you Deciphering distorted clues Shipwrecked Because we know that nothingness raised you well Shutting down and cutting off, internally Memories want to both masquerade and warp the ferry, that rocked your mind Suffocated as they re-generate Can there only be, intoxication? A crossword puzzle, mapping Judgement, so unkind I doubt myself and ask every question with all the Whys Moments of quiet reflection Discombobulated triumph and sadness As the truth hits, once more Smashes the boat up attacks reality and tumbles down your sky
