Often, I feel like a cactus.
All the prickly bits have come off..
Now, they’re raw underneath
and unprotected.
I like being able to be honest about this.
..
I love connection and sharing, not being able to abide fakery and small-talk. As if I’m a child sitting on my fingers in assembly, so that I can’t wriggle about - when my body feels alive with expression!
The whole thing feels stifling and it’s painful.
Sometimes we are required to act certain ways in certain (professional, for example) environments, or around people that we need to protect our peace around..
I want to say:
..
‘How are we talking like this, when the world’s in a mess
and my brain’s often in a mess
Yours probably is too, no?’
As I live within that head space the majority of the time, I wonder how others can appear to not be. I, also, don’t want to get too caught up in writing content or talking around topics that are hard to re-live, as they exhaust me.
It feels like they remain in my body for 24 / 48 hours, or maybe longer. Afterwards is hard and so there is that contrast.
(Wanting to talk and connect, but without going too deep).
I used to get sucked into the deep stuff too often, in a way that meant I wasn’t looking after myself.
The physical tiredness that comes from emotional labour is intense. And, I suppose, communicating and being real, without saying everything, all of the time -that’s the balance.
I have found that much better now.
In the past, I’ve found it confusing to be around people who are close to me, in one way, but I’m not sure if I truly, know them.
There was always the curiosity and mystery.
People who are different to me - not always that expressive, or energetic but also those who seemed comfortably ‘Meh!’ on the topic of me. They could take me or leave me. (Positively unbothered, either way).
There would be disgust from time to time, or what I would perceive as looks of disgust.
I also saw care and some precious moments, but they weren’t trading in the currency I was in the way I felt I needed. I love seeing the human. There were moments of that.
If I spend a day with someone, I would probably remember the connection or understanding most profoundly. Yes, funny things that happened. Sweet, lovely things. A general energy or vibe. How relaxed I did, or didn’t, feel.
But, the philosophical thing someone said, that I didn’t want to forget.
That’s the gold.
..
As a younger person, I’d want to know what older people’s life stories were. Not in an intrusive way (or at least, I didn’t see it like that), but to have an understanding, learn from them. Feel I ‘get’ the person on a deeper level.
I think there was a complete separation between adults and children.
Mental health wasn’t spoken about in the same way.
What were their dreams, aspirations and goals? What truly matters and mattered to them?
Playing music to a crowd in a bar is dealing or trading in energy.
I’ve done it a few times in a small way and it felt incredible when people responded positively to the music - energy returned.
You could say this is my people pleasing coming through. Yes, absolutely.
..
There’s also the sense of being present in a moment, feeling the beats and the sense of community, when others feel that way too.
At times, when I’ve felt connection was missing with some, I’ve wanted something deeper. They become these mazes to understand and decipher.
Unwilling subjects!
People who don’t observe the world in that way (or at least, rarely). They definitely wouldn’t talk like that. And probably not to me.
Everyone’s different, but I feel I really need that. Deep connection and belonging.
It could be partly a trauma response, but I need to understand someone to help me feel safe. Looking at the whole person and seeing the bigger picture.
..
I love listening to advice from people in the generations above me, in terms of what has mattered to them in life.
Being with people, but feeling I didn’t truly ‘know’ them, in any real or deeper sense, used to feel scaring. Empty. Bizarre.
If people didn’t seem to want, or weren’t capable of that kind of emotional closeness or connection, I would feel intrigued still. Like there was a piece missing.
Why can’t they do this?
It was probably, what is it about me?
Also, if people seemed disinterested, or just completely neutral to me and who I was, my soul felt wounded by their indifference. Uneasy.
It felt heavy.
Probably blaming myself, I needed to know why.
There are times when a person has probably not liked me for the type of person I am. Maybe they feel I’m a ‘bit much’.
I, then, want to ‘impress’ them with my knowledge, or turn their mindset around. Then, tongue - tied and eager to please, I hand over my wanting. Giving them more of the energy they don’t like!
It’s made me feel I’m degrading myself in the past and I don’t do it anymore. Or, at least, try not to.
Feeling I’m missing a chip, of understanding..
Code.
..
Gap between the physical
Who is factually there, who they are to you
and KNOWING them
The gap between
Feel you are missing
Struggling to find the software
Centred
..
It’s starting to get colder
I want warm and cosy
and family
and home
Held in a cushion
where your legacy
is beautiful
and everything
and personal
And where connection runs
alongside you
Into the overgrowth
