I knew from an early age that women and girls weren’t ‘supposed’ to be seen to be enjoying food too much.
That if I over - snacked, it would be noticed.
I’d remember every comment from the well-meaning who were much older than me.
‘Her eyes were bigger than her belly’
Even, to others around me:
‘I don’t know where it goes. She must have hollow legs’.
I was conscious that my eyes weren’t supposed to be full of enjoyment or desire.
That was greed, I learnt.
I didn’t want to be ‘greedy’.
It continues through life, and the language in magazines and newspapers, in the nineties, was horrific.
Wanting, desiring, was wicked or lustful, almost. ‘Horrific’ negative behaviour.
Better to abandon yourself.
Bringing it back to food (but not), my desire for sugar was to fill in for so much that was missing inside me.
Self-confidence. A way of soothing.
A routine and way of talking to myself.
Feeling exhausted and wanting quick, short-term energy.
At times, I felt ravenous. Frustrated.
Ravenous, for self-love and acceptance.
It is natural for growing children and young people to feel hungry. For people to feel and recognise hunger cues. For younger people to be dysregulated and witness others self-soothing. Experiencing the calm, love and turning that inwards, later.
What a beautiful pattern.
So much is going on in our brains. We’re shattered, at times. The pressures of school, life, so many changes..
As well as exhausted, there was, numbly, energetic, in my case (undiagnosed ADHD). I felt like a failure.
There is so much comparison and with social media, it would feel so hard now. Even if there are pockets for connection and joy.
Neither of which I had.
The self-love, care and acceptance, I mean.
Didn’t have those.
Wouldn’t have known how.
And, the connection, much of the time, I was missing. Or, at least, in the way I felt I needed. Without, much of the time, even being aware of what was good for me.
Longing, in emptiness, anyway.
There was this deep, dark dreaded pit.
A place of loneliness and isolation, that I assumed everyone felt.
But, maybe they didn’t..
I look at teenage me.
So focused on what I ate.
Considering everything. Resisting nothing and punishing myself internally continuously.
My internal dialogue showed a cold, hard, disciplinarian.
I was also such a deep thinker - and I cared so, so much.
I fought the internal discipline and ‘failed’ at every turn.
My ADHD brain needed kindness and validation.
As a young person, if you don’t believe that you are worthy as a person, how can you develop and explore relationships, love, life..
Be out in the world in a healthy way.
You don’t have to be ‘fixed’ to be Out there. That’s not what I mean and there is no such thing, but when you hate yourself in the way I did, it’s not a great baseline.
My heart deserved so much more than I accepted, in so, so many cases.
I tolerated pain, because it was familiar and this isn’t my fault, but I followed my inner-programming. And, often, went against my gut.
A sensitive and feeling soul, I wondered where I belonged.
Frustrating myself with my inability to discern what was acceptable, criticism came naturally, it felt like. There was so much shame and self-blame.
When you question the lurch in the pit of your stomach and don’t confirm, in every part of yourself, that it’s there for a reason.. Then you, somehow, twist your insides into your own mouth and throat, blaming yourself.. It hurts.
How does that, even, happen?
I’m still the ‘bad’ guy, as a first thought or knowing, but I try to talk myself out of this. In an attempt to create new habits and systems. Awareness is the first step and our brains can be so sneaky.
I feel I was more likely to ‘conform’ as a younger person, because I doubted my own worthiness. I trampled on it, to be brutally honest.
But, every part of me, didn’t want to enter the boxes I was supposed to climb into. Or felt I was.
There was such deep, internal conflict.
Everyone else comes before me, when considering needs. This was instinctive, but, also, angered me.
I was a very frustrated, locked-up, soul.
Putting myself in situations that made me unhappy, I was viewed as easily-manipulated (when I would argue with my own gut).
I wanted to believe that the world didn’t work like that and tested the theory out waymore times than I needed to (go with your gut, no testing needed).
Shame is the over-riding cloud that descends when I go there. Still.
I went with what I knew.
