Thinking.. I don’t like the term ‘disorder’
ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Forgetting the ‘Deficit’ bit, (which I don’t particularly love (either), I’m not a fan of the word ‘Disorder’.
..
My ADHD, as part of me, was diagnosed at the age of 40.
I realise that it has to be given a name, a title, something to say..
but this collection of words.. together.. ?
….
ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
..
I can pay attention. I just, cannot always choose on what and when. There can always be distractions, too.
Life can feel hard.
..
.
On tasks / activities / doing
Sometimes my soul chooses and it’s a passion thing.
Often, I am crucifying myself, internally, for being sat down and not doing that one practical, boring task, that I have been deeply procrastinating over for days (it is wayy beyond procrastination!)
That thing that I’ll, probably, then, leave until the very last possible minute to complete (needing the urgency) or not do at all.
Causing me no end of stress, pressure and shame.
I spent years hating myself for the things I didn’t do.
So, the Disorder..
My brain works differently.
And, in many ways, beautifully.
I’m not always grateful for this and the emotional turmoil - and the layers of self-doubt it built.
I can also see my strengths now, though.
Alongside my exhaustion.
..
Deficit, suggests that I’m missing something.
That this ‘thing’, and all the things, are huge and colossal, somethings. Necessities that are a great loss for myself. And, for society, even.
I have a sensitive, feeling soul, yes (which I don’t ever want to apologise for), but Deficit gives the impression that I should, almost, say sorry. That it’s such a disappointment that my brain works in this way.
Society causes us to feel such shame.
..
.
What about all that I have?
The way that I view the world, in which some others may not.
Deeply feeling and caring.
Noticing everything.
Being great at pattern recognition.
..
No, everyone is not ‘a little’ ADHD and no, it’s not easy, especially prior to diagnosis, or starting to understand yourself.
But I don’t feel like a walking ‘Disorder’.
I feel as though I live with something that is exhausting and complex, but that it’s down to my Operating system (thank you Ellie Middleton) and that I am not a problem to be solved.
I wouldn’t want to solve me, even if that was possible. More acceptance and understanding would be phenomenal.
..
.
Dis - Order
(their dis-ease and discomfort)
If you were to look at the word literally, I guess there isn’t much order in parts of my life.
(That’s order in one way, I guess, as a pattern!)
..
A slightly (sometimes gloriously) chaotic, (and sometimes excruciatingly shameful) environment in which I live -
and create.
I’ve let go of some shame, and want this to continue, post-diagnosis.
Then there’s all that pattern, bigger - picture, dream worthy, wondrous, creative, stuff.
..
.
Order and pattern within the Dis - order.
Questioning the how’s and why’s of everything. Expecting to be judged. The RSD is also very real - and hurts.
But, I often come to the conclusion that those that feel, are the beautiful ones.
My people and community.
