The stage school kid without the stage
Introverted extrovert, extroverted introvert, not being sure of yourself, you are everything - all and every magnificent page
Being me / Being You
Stage school spirit, without a stage A stage school kid without a stage I wanted my moment Fighting my insides, leaping out Wanting to engage Why were they scared of me and who I was? I still have never had my moment and I’m 44 I didn’t try for it Living outside of my body So, I guess, the invitation got lost (I wondered if there was more) The, years-apart, vague compliments that I remember, even now Had me floored Could I have heard incorrectly? No, I didn’t I re-played them (Tried to solidify, in curiosity and questions, Could it be? into my heart) But, you, sweetheart Are absolutely perfect and adorable And phenomenal In being you The ones who can’t see you Let those words deflate and leak out Your loving ones, go in (Be gentle with yourself) It’s so very hard to do Show those, wrong, words out, love With the whizzing, and shrill balloon There’s the door Believe the opposite Know your truth None of this is your fault All I wish for you is to live with peace and serenity Feel as certain, in your own body, as a steady, rooted, never-tiresome, (but takes time when they when they need it) oxygenating the universe Worthy-for-being-you Oak With, wonderful, weaving branches Life can feel tiring You don’t have to earn rest To not get pulled into the spiral loop It’s your life What you want is what matters I believe in you In sunrises, and beautiful branches, and within you, there is possibility and hope There are those you can go to, when scared Enjoy the moments, the belief that traps us is not celebrating outselves Immediately, standing firm, in Right, What’s next? Your instinct Your passion and creativity The fact that you feel and love For nobody, do you need to jump through hoops You are so very treasured There will always be an Us Through what you want and need, I see you Filling with tears Welling me up, and yourself up, Those that love you, up with pride As I see it, without the cost I’ve seen you be her friend since such a young age All I want is for you to never lose belief in yourself - what I lost You don’t need to exist and not live Muddling through You can feel and magnify and thrive Hold your soul up Feel all the lovely compliments that have been given Hold yourself high Skim over, ignore, unnecessary bitchiness and scoffs Sometimes, I’d watch the other children They seemed lighter I longed for their ability, to be free That one time that I tried out to be in a school group putting on shows Take the spirit and make magic with it (No matter what anyone tells you) I curled up, squirming on the inside (Joined, after being mocked) Didn’t have the confidence, or ability, to show Who I am - and was Jazz hands out, of joyful explosions Learning and whatever you think you want, I’m giving this This is Me! (Your youness is perfect and powerful You can’t help, never get rid off it, don’t minimise The magic aura you give off) The ADHD one, amongst some of her people I can’t have this There were so many, probably, feeling this way back then Un belonging, yet belonging Living, on the periphery Felt suffocated What they wanted for me, only, being tied up - and lent Be marvellously real Be majestically, free The, so-called, teacher, that laughed Pieces of work, with their smirks More to do with them than it ever has to do with me A lifetime of minimising, hating myself Hopes dashed Planting flowers around the borders I wasn’t for show - and presentation How unacceptable I was I wanted to be the tree! When parents get their children a diagnosis and love them so hard, now, in different universes It makes me cry We had to sing a couple of words, or a La - alone I wasn’t present in it Came out tuneless Not the energy of my timelessness Children who are phenomenal who’s world was shortened, to a sigh You are absolutely adorable The present, You are everything the world needed That I, and they, couldn’t buy Living within my shell I pre-disposed my unacceptability Saw where I was in the grander scheme - Shut off Their body becomes their present Who they are Celebrated, as their community’s home Connection lifts them, raises you I hope A lifetime of worthy Pining, to be cheered over To have arms holding you, aloft I did my La I sounded nothing like me Your greatest and most magnificent treasure, is your you-ness You don’t have to do anything Just have that and show it, times by a million The wildflower, glorious Among the, manicured, topiary
Shame
Have been thinking about shame. If anybody else blamed themselves or felt that they were faulty, somehow, I would say ‘of course not’.
Were you my first bully
It feels like you were my first bully It became me Empty Like my chest is a cavity Numbness unthawing I was never cold Ice felt less imposing The pass ag itches my insides and the shaming Were you my first bully Or, was that me? I wait for your closing.. It felt like
notes on it all
What’s wrong with being an Exhibitionist?
Why’s it, forever, used as a slight?
Bouncing off walls
Crevices, poisoned with opinion
(How dare?)
It’s worse than my cooking
I can’t be all that is traditional
Good girl living life ‘right’
I want your love and approval,
but I’m ablaze, with pulling my organs
together from the wall
And making a One Day
Long time - I’m still needing to be liked
An adult wanting to Play
Revolving into, temporary, dreams of..
(I suppose now, it’d be..)
Tomorrow night
I can revolutionise nothing
Loose words on fright night
Hating myself
Coated, and woven, into
your majestic absolution
(The rotting, that bites)
When do my dreams
become the haze to which I have
the right?
I’m under impermanent dreaming
and solutions
Not illusion
Welling insides drip out, every night
I realise, it was only an ideal
The me, warming hands in the fire
of every slight
Illusions shattered
There is, merely, reality
I needed to dine on believing
Tonight
Why is Exhibitionist used as an insult?
The playbook, red,
Solemn, substandard
without the bright
Yet, you can say my world is, merely, revisionist
Minimised.
Can you revolutionise your seeing?
Taking your time
Is there a belonging wrapped up
in the potential of a twist?
A home for you
in my own eyes
Was I an exhibitionist?
Or did I want something I thought
you couldn’t take
I knew you could
I thought you would
Secrets wrapped in protection
A lifetime of chances,
and reaches,
You were always good.
(and that
I didn’t make)
Snake - Speak - Say
Spiralled around my voice box
Till it’s hoarse
Screaming through my eyes
and pain, now
And the words land with
those who choose to see them
The Help that nightmares believe
would constrict and crush
In the ones I need
Who hold my hand
My eyes take my meaning
and the first steps
into safety
And through it’s truest course
I need to move my body more
and show off my extroverted (extroverted introvert side) dramatic, music - loving, side
Slide into the roots watering
My kinda-vibe
Not shut down
Words I find easy to be open with
Showing myself, my face, my body
I over-analyse
Need to think less
Put my heart out there
Find my body
and start to live inside..