It feels like?

poetry - Love. Feeling shame. Feeling I’m doing it ‘alone’ and don’t have anyone ‘for me’. Barriers and emptying out the sorrow. What makes me happy, bringing joy and peace. Love is…

In a group workshop I wrote..

Love is knowing I need some chill time

When I have therapy and it makes me

tired

Emotionally hungover

and resistance to feeling all the things

I feel empty

Inspired, then uninspired



Love is a wet nose and muddy paws

The pure and human

in her

that makes me smile

Completely present as we walk 

Tippity tap 

Happiness and complete serenity

for the shut down, uninspired little

child



I wonder, do dogs smell colours?

They see beyond

(wrote about this before) 

and they see it all

Then, I wonder why other dog’s wee

tastes like moonshine to them

And that then pi    es that philosophy 

up the wall*!



Love is Nosecco

and dreading all this Valentines

c   p!

That really I can’t allow myself to love

For the cynic and romantic in me

The layers of protection

In firery, spikey textures

When I’m in floods 

over rom coms

All the Eves that were blamed and

shamed and robbed

*light hearted only, everything dogs do is wonderful!

..

Started out with..

Diminished


I push care and kindness 
like pebbles skimming the water
of a stream
The tears are in there, ready
Sarcasm is the impulse 
Flying off
It echoes of screaming at you
But, seconds later, I slow down
and wish I could feel it
with my heart 

You are calm and safety
Can’t let it touch the fringes 
I want to hear your voice 
Yet can’t be quiet and absorb 
the words
Shut you down 
and I take out fear’s darts
To shoot them, pointlessly 
To what, protect myself 
Sarcasm blends into me
and, head hangs, as I pick them up off the dirt

I don’t want to 
Feel like we’re on the same team 
Lets never take a moment
Was taught not to
Lets hit beautiful and meaningful
with a red hot poker 
Give them angry, so they can show 
others, ‘see what I mean?’

Dismissive of what’s behind it all
But I love you and care 
about everything you mean 
You see my fire is dying out
But, they need to blame me
So lets stoke her 
and fire it all off
If I could have paused for just a
second
You give me what I need
I was the scape - to their G-O-A-T


I diminish everything 
Cos language can’t be real 
Has to be wrapped in bluntness
and so wrong
When I talk about s x I say 
I sh   g d someone 
The cringe of language that
feels romantic, or human 
So shut off that intimacy,  feels 


I Minimise
(No niceness will permeate this 
Teflon surface 
and I apologise) 
I will let you in
I really will 
Nothing will penetrate this icy exterior
as Phoebe says from Friends,
whilst crying 
I can’t just let it properly sit
For a moment, it just has to hover over
Then move
Like moments that glide 



This is my life now.
This is it.

Notes for note’s sake

my poetry

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

Photo by Matthew McBrayer on Unsplash

I met my younger self for coffee