I had a dream that I missed playing Elphaba on stage, a dream worthy role if I was even a singer.
This dreamy narrative was linked to me listening to ‘As Long as you’re Mine’, my mind re-playing and shaming me for past scenarios and having performance anxiety.
For my life.
Feeling unworthy.
And that free running train starting up powerfully, loaded with overwhelm and too much thinking.
I am more powerful, though.
I can do this.
green and pink
..
The dream was actually the night before therapy and, very rarely, do I have such vivid dreams - or dreams that I remember.
Dreams from an ADHD brain that allows me to sleep at 1am, having not done the task that I was pushing myself to do all evening. Potentially, though, I might have done something else!
(I meant to tell my therapist about the dream, but think I got distracted and temporarily forgot about it - very on brand!)
flying
..
Around the time of the dream (in real life), I was building up to a busy period in life and work. I was also preparing to open up and, hopefully, cry in a therapy session, which I was putting internal pressure on myself over.
Need to relax..
..
And it became about so many things..
In the dream, I was due to play Elphaba for the first time (in the west end or on Broadway). If this was my industry, this would be the pinnacle and, beyond, my dream and goal for the future! THE moment.
I have felt, in the past, that I’ve let outside involvement and voices, impact things I was doing that were profoundly meaningful and long-term goals to me. I was barely existing.
There was dissociation and that doesn’t bode well for concentration (also an undiagnosed ADHDer at the time) and making a wonderful impression.
Sometimes, though, I have been great at ploughing through, but more in a flight or freeze state. Existing and ‘going through the motions’, like walking through cloud.
Like a delicate bull in a china shop, who feels heavy-handed, like an inconvenience- and unreal.
..
The dressing room
Arriving early at the theatre, I decided to have a power nap, setting an alarm. This was a highlight of my career - and life.
I think you can see where this is going..
There were family coming to watch the show and one person whom I would be so excited and joyous to show the performance to.
That whole element though, of all of the extra people to think about, the judgement and added humungous pressure (tense, in my body), brought anxiety.
I was uneasy.
(IRL: This was also in the build up to the Christmas period which, at times, I can find difficult).
There would be meetings, vocal warm-ups and then lots happening make-up and costume-wise. So, noise and activity.
A long time ago I worked in west end theatre Front of House (theatre usher), so I think my dream was taking me back through my life. With shame, sadly.
Because, well why would my brain be kind?!
..
I woke up
Either way, I came to, horrified by the time and to discover that the standby / understudy was on as Elphaba.
Coming into the Front of House area, as I would have seen those areas (IRL), I saw the company manager, feeling deeply ashamed of myself. Crawling out of my own skin and feeling beyond devastated, inside.
I was told
We’ll have to let you go
It was my fault and I was in the building at the time that all this happened.
This is how, I think, many undiagnosed as ADHD feel. So full of shame and self-loathing.
You are right there.
And, yet, not so.
Somehow, you just can’t.
Why?
..
There is no reason.
It must be me - my fault.
..
You feel misunderstood and desperately want to show what the thing you are ‘failing’ at means to you.
Then, I have to forget my feelings and apologise to those who were coming for the first night. A bad move, incidentally.
Beyond. There are no words.
..
The dream ended when I would, finally, be able to go home and cry my eyes out, alone. A heap on the floor, probably, who wouldn’t have felt any compassion from others, just embarrassment over me ruining one of the best moments of my own life.
..
With undiagnosed ADHD, I would make noises (that I didn’t know were stims) and would feel so much shame over not feeling I was ‘managing’ my life.
In some ways, I was so ‘on it’. Hyper-focused.
In others, society, and those around me, told me I was ‘ditsy’ or bad or wrong.
..
I am a human golden retriever.
Passionate, loving, soft, sensitive and people pleasing, but often scared.
Romanticising my life
In my mind, I want to dance down the street in the rain (music playing in my head), when things are going well. I embrace so many things excitedly, appreciating a beautiful sunrise or the swish of a happy puppy’s tail, to a great extent. I know many do.
And, if I like you, or feel a connection when we are talking, I can’t help but show you.
(In fact, sometimes I try to disguise my emotions and my joy, so that I don’t come across as too much. Lower the feel-good.
Sad, really).
There are big emotions. Things I care about matter deeply and I am sensitive to injustice.
Noises, smells, others being too close, can all feel too much. I get overstimulated and need to back away.
I get absolutely, completely, exhausted.
..
When I was younger, there were many times when being who I am didn’t exactly make me ‘cool’ and, even, gave people a stick to poke me with.
I embrace the cringe now.
I kinda like people that feel a little awkward sometimes.
People who can make jokes about people pleasing or not quite ‘fitting in’, from a place of self-awareness. And as commentary on how the world can be.
(ADHD-wise and trauma) Phrases like:
You know when you can hear every word of the conversation in the coffee shop three tables down and are wondering about different therapeutic treatments for the person they are saying is struggling? ..
Yep, So relatable!
You can’t focus on your own stuff.
..
Part two..
Getting therapy for trauma in the UK, my story, not the ‘right fit’
I think that if a person needs long term therapy and going through the NHS hasn’t worked, that they should be able to choose their (external) private therapist, someone that specialises in what they need and that they should be able to receive that on the NHS.
Be the light
What I would tell younger people (I don’t feel grown up)
When I was younger, I think I had this dream of success. I am not a particularly materialistic person, but I wanted my apartment in London and a career that would reek of acceptance of me and my soul. I was ‘alright’, despite my struggles.
Be the light ..
Tara
tarastar
poetry and writing
..
I’m a writer
How writing helps me
Poetry / creativity means so much
Wanting to be a ‘Good girl’