I am not a ‘corporate’ person
My ADHD brain, ADHD and trauma, my mental health
I’m not a corporate person
I never have been
Over the years, I have had jobs that haven’t necessarily been ‘me’, though. During the pandemic might be an example.
An introverted extrovert, with deep sensitivity. Someone that cares.
Prior to my ADHD diagnosis, I knew that certain types of roles felt like a home to me. Soul jobs, with the buzz. And we’re always searching for that dopamine high.
Working with people, presenting, but for controlled certain periods of time. Working for myself.
At times, feeling free and not constrained has felt wonderful. Repetition and variation, in a space that is comfortable.
I can be ultra organised and organised in advance in work environments. Good at doing the practical accounts and invoices required once in a role.
This, I taught myself. And I love, love, love ticking the boxes asap.
There are times I’ll sit in the area where I have a meeting for an hour before, in a coffee shop, so I know that I am there.
Time blindness is also a real struggle.
If I get disoriented en route to an office or new place, it can discombobulate me. Going to a place to perform poetry (that I’m new to), where I’m doing something with emotion or meaning, I like to check out the route first.
See street view at worst.
Feel familiar with it all.
Trauma
The feeling from bosses, elders or anyone observing my life, that I am going to be ‘told off’ is a trauma response.
It still exists, but I’m learning to manage this, be me and present as me, much more.
Then, trying not to let perceived criticism attack me internally. Like a jumper with pins and whole new levels of re-playing with the Ouch.
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Not good at ‘corporate speak’, signing off e-mails in a professional way etc.
That doesn’t come naturally to me and I’ve found that my manner is quite conversational.
Sometimes, I struggle to understand what people do in those ‘work’ situations.
I can over-explain and over-justify, for fear of being shut down or not accepted.
When I understand and know my reasoning for whatever, everyday decision.
Loving repetition, but needing some variation and freedom within that
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In life, I also do things that ‘feel’ good, or true. An energy or how things make me feel matters so, so much.
Particularly in my home. My secure and safe place.
Where I live now is probably the first place that I’ve truly made mine
It’s about things that feel peaceful and meaningful to me. I’ve painted walls and have made it my cosy little haven, but also I have a couple of people visit occasionally, rather than isolating. That has kind of forced it to be suitable for visitors and is a good thing, for so many reasons!
Walking and being around dogs, for example, also feels like home to me. They are so present and calm my mind in many ways. Help me relax.
Also, literally, getting me outdoors, into nature, and into the world, can never be bad!
There is nothing better than seeing an excitable prance, their paws in front of or beside me and the honesty and humanness of the way they look into your eyes.
There’s no bull there.
Just humour and character and awesomeness.
Showing and expressing feelings of sadness and joy.
Dogs are real and I love it.
Just like the realness and magic of a toddler’s questions or observations. Children being so beautiful, loving and caring.
Present in the moment.
This is what I want.
And need.
Children learn about the world, observing others and teaching us to see the universe through a new (and, perhaps, greater) lens.
Sounds that we hear as background noises, that they notice and observe. Ask what they are.
The innocence and genuine curiosity in questions. Their interesting view on the world.
What makes a baby laugh or giggle. Them individuating as they grow. The wonderful things that they find funny. And bring us such delight.
I love my moments of being present and connected.
That brings me so much.
So, in the workplace, I tend to be sensitive and empathic to others emotions and notice what is going on when someone is feeling frustrated or angry.
They want to be heard.
I will notice lighting, or the decoration of a place. What the vibe is. The energy of the people.
That is important to me.
As an ADHD person, being in roles that have felt constraining and suffocating is an excruciating phenomenon!
Following logic and policies that don’t seem to make sense, sometimes. Wanting to understand the bigger picture.
And productivity being judged on a spectrum of mouse clicks or times engaged. For me, I can be passionate, an ideas person and can go through huge bursts of activity, naturally.
I realise that these systems or processes, maybe, have to be used in some roles. Anything that makes me feel like I’m in school, though, is painful.
The buzz of being ‘ahead’ of a target is great, but it can create pressure if it’s something that doesn’t come naturally to me. Isn’t conducive to ‘success’ based on the way my brain works.
The human element has always been so important to me.
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Giving myself a hard time
Due to trauma, I also have to try and make myself feel safe. It can be hard to completely trust myself, so I feel I have to be ahead of where I’m ‘supposed’ to be target-wise. This is soul destroying. And it feels awful if I’m not.
Or if my brain just doesn’t work in the way they tell me it needs to.
I am good at workarounds, but still.
Ahead is a dream - I’m so ‘behind’
I tell myself that, perhaps, it’s because I don’t know what will happen in the future and being ‘ahead’ allows for some wiggle room. I doubt me.
However, when it’s not something I care deeply about, or an environment that I’m more likely to thrive in, there is (was) shame and I feel like a ‘failure’.
Years of
‘I can’t even do this’
(insert regular thing that others seem to achieve more easily)
The estimated *20,000 negative messages that ADHDers are said to receive before the age of twelve. It continues.
And is heartbreaking.
(*William W. Dodson, MD)
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Society is set up for a neurotypical experience
There is so much internalised shame and society continues to send these messages and judgements, at times.
Many companies are said to have policies on accommodations in the workplace for neurodivergent people. Some of this might be lip service. Ticking a box.
Many companies may also follow through.
It can feel as though, in life, mental health struggles are something that people say they are understanding of. Companies want to support. Until it affects them and until they see it.
Trauma is an epidemic, sadly.
There are many experiences that I cannot speak to, but at times I have felt as though my trauma is an inconvenience, or something for people to be bewildered by.
Whilst not knowing what that disconnect is.
People not understanding me, in the past, felt hard. Often it wasn’t their job to understand or deal with something that would seem so complex to them, but that still felt painful to me in the moment. Reminding me that even though we didn’t cause the trauma, that it is our job to heal.
But, there are also times when I would liked to have felt less judgement. (I’ll put a caveat in there that I can be sensitive to that, the RSD is strong and that I can also feel ‘disliked’ or unwanted in situations where maybe others aren’t thinking that deeply about it).
You don’t know what others are going through
In the past, interpersonal relationships have felt hard and, often, that’s what we’re doing in the workplace. Relating to people.
Am I putting myself in a victim space? Am I seeing what isn’t there? I have wondered all those things over the years and have tried hard to work on it all.
I think the difference with me is that, when some might feel that another in the office, doesn’t gel with them that much, I would have spent years wondering what I had done.
Some could shrug it off.
I could be philosophical and know that you will gel better with some and not so much with others. I could offer that support to other people.
There was an ouch ness with me that would develop and become unbearable. My discomfort could present as desperation and wanting to be liked.
people pleasing, not feeling worthy, wanting to be ‘liked’
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I remember going to my first ever poetry / literature - related event
(haven’t been to many at all).
I’d been cooped up in my head for a while and had had a strange day emotionally.
I probably went back into my (years old) pattern. Me in my twenties.
I’ve changed and become a lot more transparent since then, but I still can show how I feel (the facial expressions) and get such joy out of connection. Maybe I reverted back to the exaggerated, numb, denial - ridden version.
‘Right, be a bubbly and friendly thing. Try to make friends!’
I can, naturally, be like that if I feel like it, then getting excited and animated if I connect with others.
Relating.
If I feel I’m having real conversation and that this human might be a bit like me, there is that kick and buzz of
Yes! I’m enjoying this.
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Well, imagine that on some sort of drug and energy drink (wasn’t on either).
That’s how it can appear, especially amongst discomfort and denial (over other personal stuff) and news that day.
The feeling that, for the first time, I might be in a room with some of my people in the creative sense.
Similar rooms have felt amazing before, even when I haven’t allowed myself to truly, deeply connect. Feeling connected.
Knowing there is an understanding.
This literature event and what I was watching, meant that it was a meaningful and surreal day. Hopeful.
Discombobulated.
I feel shame over the ‘too much’ness.
This is the narrative that society can feed us anyway. With years of being told I talked too much or that I needed to ‘calm down’.
I was a much younger ball of love and energy, with so much to say. Often not expressing it or knowing what that was, but feeling so excited at the possibility that I could release something.
That I could know others.
The way I wanted to be known.
I would tell any children, you are never too much. You are the perfect amount of muchness. Be you.
I spoke to someone who’s great, but I felt as though I came across as a ‘bit full on’ at the writing event. Then, the shame.
I may as well have wheelbarrowed me out of there.
How dare I come in here like that?
As me!
But, I came in with years of built up silencing. Maybe these were my people.
When I talk to others that feel as I do, it gives me such joy.
(Sad that others have felt misunderstood, but I love us seeing each other now. Shared experiences feeling obvious).
As a neurodivergent person, I feel that I might look at an idea through a different lens.
Maybe, if a company thought about what to do with that, it could be useful to them.
I am in society and I matter.
Even though I have strengths that are not only related to making others aware (and I shouldn’t have to be a walking bulletin board), I have loved telling people I’m ADHD since my diagnosis. Not making a big deal of it. Saying it casually.
Feeling free to.
Saying my brain might work in this way rather than this way.
I move my legs around.
I could be accused of leading with it, by some. But, I figure, why would something that has meant so much to a person - diagnosis, validation, my understanding of myself, not become a topic of conversation?
Sometimes, in general conversation, I chat to a person older than me, someone who is a Grandparent, about my ADHD. I don’t know them well but am having a drink and a chat.
I can feel exhausted afterwards, particularly if certain things were said or lots of questions asked (and I feel on the spot), but there can also be some healing in it. Sometimes I can feel invalidated by a comment, but often there are also positives.
I have to protect myself with what I share - or change the subject, leave etc. Decide whether or not this is a person I should be speaking to about this.
Overall, if ADHD comes up, it’s a good thing.
They might say that ‘so many people are being diagnosed now’ and that their child is looking into getting a diagnosis for their grandchild. I might say a couple of little things and I hope my input makes them see something from a different perspective.
Or from the perspective that they always did, but with additional angles.
I tell them how I felt as a child and, I might do that very softly or gently, especially if I feel that this may be one of the first times they’ve had a conversation like this.
(This can feel good and it can also hurt me a little internally. The grief of the past).
It is also something that can feel like real human connection.
I’m there in front of them and there is, or might be, a family diagnosis, approaching.
This potential for new discovery.
As all of this, and unmasking, is for me.
I tell them that I blamed myself
I hope that, in the future, what I said helps the child and the family. I’ve said that as a child I felt it was all my fault and been looked at with understanding. Have mentioned that girls can be very good at masking and that it may not be obvious on the surface that they are doing that.
That they might not be fully aware, but just be absolutely exhausted after being around people and being perceived all day.
Me saying these couple of things might make no difference at all, but what if it did?
A tiny bit.
This idea makes me happy.
In a workplace, focusing on public spaces, public activities and events, maybe I’d have suggestions on both dopamine - giving and calming spaces.
I may not be an architect, or an event co-ordinator, and I may not present in corporate-speak, but there are practical ideas and suggestions that I would have. Logical reasons behind them from first-hand experience. Perhaps, they have already considered that and I am not the right person for this.
But, within companies, why can’t people be placed and trained, based on where their strengths are.
After meeting them and spending time with them, this might be where they could fit.
Their ideas and creativity are a strength, for example.
I might not have understanding of the structure of teams, of how those things work or university qualifications in a specific area, but I could be useful, surely. In some way, that also feels incredible to me.
(And not like I have to be a very obedient cog in a machine that doesn’t see me).
I’d love to have an agency where companies (supermarkets, hotels, public spaces) consult with neurodivergent people and have their input and feedback. Maybe that already exists.
In everyday life, there are simple things like having power sockets near a bed (not that I’m saying we should always be in our phones!!), or a cup holder in the right position, that can work for many people.
Perhaps, looking at lighting and the sensory experience of visiting a place could also be looked at. In the same way that workplaces need to support and accommodate for those whose brains work differently, without it feeling like a hassle or inconvenience.
There is not only one way to do things or one way to be productive.
And I would love for the education system and all businesses, to look at things in that way.
I’m sure in lots of spaces neurodivergent people are considered, but making spaces functional for women, for ADHD women, for creatives. This feels important to me.
I am one voice, but so many come with their experiences to share.
workplaces, making me ‘smaller’, education system, messages society sends
ADHD and trauma
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