Blog: I’ve been thinking about
therapy, conversation flow, denial, not ‘feeling’
I used to bring up topics in therapy by using the line
‘I’ve been thinking about’…
Probably to flow ‘naturally’ between small talk and anything I was bringing to the session.
I did learn to get to the point more quickly.
We all know why we’re here!
..
What I was saying was true.
I had been thinking about the particular topic, issue or memory.
Possibly ruminating, uncontrollably.
Until, dissociation.
..
There was something I wanted to discuss.
It just all felt a bit unnatural, perhaps*.
..
What’s been coming up for me? What have I been avoiding?
..
I’d make short, one sentence, notes on my phone - Anything that I felt had triggered me
- Body memories
-sensations
-My anxiety
-Things I was worried about.
Events that were happening soon. Topics that hurt me.
The list goes on..
..
Blog-style piece
Quite a few weeks ago, when Valentines excitement was in the air, I started thinking about my favourite rom coms, or meaningful, love-related moments in films:
ADHD tax, people pleasing, finances:
the cost (literal and emotional)
..
I’ve been known to overthink (!!)
and there is definitely a level of self-awareness, contemplation and intellectualising, that I hide behind. The difference between knowing things, factually, and what I actually feel.
Just because someone didn’t necessarily ‘mean it’, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
..
Numb. Have a little Patience.
My heart is numb
Have no feeling
and while I’m still healing
Have a little Patience
Take That, Patience
..
I know I find it hard to access my feelings, but please bear with me
I’ve often felt that I need to justify the fact that I am trying.
I feel shame about not being able to stay with my feelings - shutting them off.
It feels like my body does this, before I even have the chance to listen to it.
Where does it hurt?
Does it have a colour?
Where do I feel it?
..
(Unease in my stomach or sickness in my throat.
Not fully connecting with words that are said to me.
Scared.
Fearful.)
*in a way, it’s one of the most natural and honest, human experiences