The things I notice: my ADHD
Hi, I’m Tara I was (relatively late) diagnosed with ADHD in my early forties. There’s so much I struggle with. I love noticing and discovering patterns (an ADHD thing!) Everybody’s experience of being neurodivergent would be different. These things feel like part of me (and may, or may not, be connected): I’ll always hear and fixate on song lyrics, wanting to learn and understand what they are. I focus on meaning. If I see or hear a phrase that is part of a lyric in everyday life, I can’t resist dancing internally to the beat. Then repeating the lines that the conversation, sign, article reminded me off! I interrupt and don’t mean to (feel awful when I do it). Excited by a thought, philosophy or story that connects with what someone is saying I worry that, if I don’t speak immediately, that this will vacate my mind, quicker than it entered. This concern is valid! Think of thoughts as passing ships in the night (or day) that sail away with each view of the next wave. Sometimes I have to really concentrate on concentrating! Eye contact, keeping my face still, being interested.. That might sound mean and I honestly don’t mean it that way. Can have a low tolerance for people I don’t know talking at me about things that I’m not feeling. There’s a desperate need for politeness and kindness in so many cases. I see the human. But, I can also feel a strong aversion, when something just isn’t my vibe or energy. I’m uncomfortable. Am not sure how to behave, always, but am having to ‘work at it’ in those instances, (Feel like a bad person even saying this). Engaging with friends and those I love, comes more naturally and flows (Same when I’m excited about and am enjoying human connection with somebody new).
Being stuck in waiting mode
If I have an appointment or something to do at a set time, it can feel difficult to relax, enjoy and do other things until then. Essentially, I am in waiting mode. In this case I wouldn’t be, literally, waiting in a queue. My mind is. However, standing still in a line is also physically painful. Sitting is great. Moving is great. Standing still is awkward as I want to jiggle my legs.
Getting ready / the naivety of believing I can complete a ten minute task in thirty seconds
Yes, I do believe that I can go to the toilet, put lip balm on, brush my hair, put a jumper on and gather my bag, coat and boots in thirty seconds!! This is not the case! The intense pressure and push of a situation (something I have to do in that moment) can make me move quickly though! The feeling of urgency both stresses and upsets me and could give me the boost I might need. Depending on what I need to do, the line between the two can be very thin. I’ll complete three tasks on a To Do List in forty five minutes, when I have spent the day telling myself off that I’m not being active and productive! Chastising myself for ‘not doing’ things is an everyday, every moment, part of life. At these points, my brain and body races. Feeling an intense pressure of weight on my chest and the sense that I am not enough. Which erodes self-esteem further. You would have no idea seeing me sat thinking - physically stationary!
I find brushing my teeth over the sink boring and like to move while I do this! Putting myself out there, physically, into any space, I find way harder than putting words out there. I don’t like pyjamas with buttons on them. Why would you make PJs cosy and lovely, then put buttons on the front that you might end up leaning on?! The other side of the button might push against your skin - and you know that it’s there! I remove tags on clothes as I don’t love the feel of them. How text looks visually on a piece of paper, or screen, matters to me. (Such as featuring bolds and italics). Paragraphs or sections that tell a story in their placement. If it looks attractive, or interesting, I am more intrigued. I get such joy out of, and adore, colour.
I need a rush, a boost, the promise of dopamine, to get going!
Things that feel awful:
The sound of people sucking their fingers
Smacking lips together
The pungent smell of peanuts close to me
In some circumstances big crowds and busy spaces, when there is the option of being somewhere more peaceful
Being perceived
is a tough one. I don’t like being overlooked, or observed. In a coffee shop, I love a seat in a corner or without people immediately behind me (that are seated to be looking at the back of my head). In a queue, the feeling of someone breathing down my neck is excruciating.. I don’t know why they would get so close!
Sabrina Carpenter Espresso was in my head!
